“You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle.” – Psalm 56:8
Transition is hard, change is difficult, emotions are complex. In trying to process some early morning emotions with my son on the way to school this morning, this verse came to mind. And then with it a picture…
Feelings were made to be felt, emotions were made to be had, and tears were made for the physical release of it all. I have yet to understand why crying has become so shameful in our society, or something to be hidden or embarrassed about. We don’t go around apologizing for any of our other bodily functions, so why are we so embarrassed when our eyes leak a few tears? Or is it more of the embarrassment that we are visibly having emotions and we feel the need to apologize for our vulnerability?... Being vulnerable in this day and age seems to be something to be avoided by the general population. And I am no psychiatrist, but it seems to me that it has a lot to do with fear and even shame at times. Fear of?....... being known? Being broken? A way of saving face? Or are we just generally so completely uncomfortable with our emotions because we were never taught that they are okay to feel?
Jesus wept. “Jesus wept.” -John 11:35. It is a verse in the Bible, y’all. What would Jesus do in a potential emotional situation? Well, in that particular instance he wept. He cried really hard. Many tears. And you know what he did after that? He did not apologize for doing it. It also just happens to be one of my most favorite places in scripture because of the way he stopped to feel with those around him. He could have just done a miracle and been really stoic about the whole thing but he didn’t. He chose to stop and ‘feel’ deeply with the people he was with. It is one of the most empathetic and compassionate examples to me. And what an absolutely perfect picture of what it means for anyone to be a friend to someone who is grieving. He was just present and felt with them.
I think that is the thing too with feeling our emotions is that we continually get the message that it is not okay to feel them when the response of those around us is to talk us out of them, or try to distract us from feeling them. Perhaps they will come up with reasons why we shouldn’t feel that way or how there are other things that could be worse so this isn’t that bad. I also believe this is why so many of us have come up with coping mechanisms to tamper our emotions (ie. emotional eating, alcohol, compulsive buying). Unhealthy habits or ‘go tos’ when we do begin to feel. Although in many of the difficult things our family has been through, the response from others has often been to avoid talking about it at all. I have decided that there are two kinds of silences when it comes responding to others grief or pain: Avoidant silence and silent presence.
Avoidant silence is ironically louder than any words that could be spoken. And silent presence doesn't require explanations or mini sermons, but instead just physical presence, and/or feeling with a person. I see it as a discipline of sorts. Because while it seems that our nature is to run from feelings, we have to stop to choose to be present in them. And just like any other discipline or exercise, it can become more natural and easier over time.
David expressed many emotions throughout the Psalms. And while it seems he felt a lot, it also seems that he had come to a healthy place where he was comfortable feeling those emotions, and had become good at processing and expressing them. And when Psalm 56 came to mind this morning when he talks about God putting his tears in a bottle, I began to think about what would happen if he really did. And while I don't know that God literally keeps our tears in bottles, I believe this is about God seeing them and being present with us while we cry them. And also about him remembering them. And in remembering all of our tears, that he honors them by growing something new with them. This morning my imagination was wondering what would he do with them if he literally bottled them all? Would he have dedicated shelf space for everyones bottles? Are they labeled? Do some require storage in jugs or barrels? I believe mine surely would...... But then I pictured:
My bottled tears, carefully collected in delicate glass jars. And so many jars that they were then transferred to a large pitcher. I have felt at times as though the tears are wasted or unseen. Meaningless and trite. But he would never waste one. He was patiently gathering them, and in time there were enough to fill a jug large enough to water the soil that would work in the darkness of the ground to produce the most beautiful of things. Things that could not grow without the darkness of the soil in the earth, combined with the water of my tears. He is the master of bringing beauty from the broken things, and redeeming our suffering and loss. No tear is wasted. Each one is watering the soil that will grow something beautiful in my soul.
He sees, he remembers, he is our hope. And with this hope I know that even in feeling in the darkest of places, that something is always growing. Even when I can't see it yet, it is working underneath the ground in the depths of my soul to produce something more beautiful than I could even imagine.
Tears aren't for nothing. Tears are for growing the good things.
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