At Least

“My daughter is in the ER, but at least my car broke down in the parking lot and won’t start….” That was a true story from a year ago. And to top it off, my daughter happened to be wearing a shirt that day that said “Best day ever.” So how could I not laugh??

Positive pessimism. Positive pessimism is loosely defined as: “When you are in a terrible situation, but at least you have another terrible thing happening at the same time.” A friend of mine introduced me to this kind of humor a while back. When something goes wrong, you can follow it by saying “but at least (insert another problem here).” Because when something in life seems dire, why not put a humoristic spin on it?? I admit, there have been times where I use it, and it goes down the road of sarcasm as well. And then I begin to think of ALL the things that are so hard, wrong, terrible, and painful.

Generally though, I tend to say the following statements in response to something terrible or difficult that is happening: “Well, it could be worse…” “At least…” “There are plenty of people a lot worse off than myself…” As if by thinking of things that could be worse in that moment, somehow alleviates the pain of what is really happening. And almost in a sense, guilting myself into not feeling sorry for myself and trying to get over said pain quickly. Because…..? I don’t know why. Because I don’t want to be upset? Or because it is too inconvenient for me to be upset?

Now, let me preface this by saying, I also think that terrible circumstances can also move us to be thankful for what we do have, for all of the blessings in our lives. And in recent years I have learned a lot about what it can do for your mindset and spirit to focus on what you are thankful for. In any given difficult circumstance, when I begin to think of all of the things I am thankful for, I cannot help but to begin to change my attitude (which is especially challenging for a pessimist realist like myself). But recently I was thinking about the way that people (myself included) focus on trying to change their attitude and mindset by thinking of the things that could be wrong or difficult, and being thankful that its not that bad…. Let me give you an example:

My daughter has Cerebral Palsy and is severely disabled. She has multiple diagnoses. Our circumstances are intense a lot of the time, and challenging. But I have caught myself thinking, “At least she doesn’t have cancer, or a terminal illness…” What is that? Why would I think that? Yes, in some way it is to make myself thankful that things are not of that magnitude. But what if next month she is diagnosed with cancer? It is not a given that it cannot happen. So then the “worst” really would be true, and how would I even be able to reason with that? By saying “at least…”, what does that say about my attitude towards those who do have children with cancer? That I could most definitely not handle that circumstance? In some way. it is like I am detaching myself from the possibility that that could happen to me, or dismissing it in a way that they can go through their thing and I can go through mine. I’m convinced that this habit a lot of us are in, of saying “at least,” or “it could be worse,” is actually a tactic we subconsciously use to escape our own present pain. I am actually deflecting from my own circumstance and minimizing my own pain. No one ever said I need to get over said pain because so many people have it so much worse. At least not directly to me…. But it also implies that the people who do have it worse, that those are the people who can justify emotional and mental breakdowns. Those are the people who are allowed to really ugly cry…

BUT….. what if we didn’t say “at least,” and what if we just sat in our pain for a minute? What if we answered someone honestly when they asked how we are doing? What if we sunk deep in to whatever it is that we are going through? I heard someone speak recently and give an analogy involving sinking. They explained that if we would just sink further into who God made us to be as an individual, into our own individual circumstances, that the further we sink, we are forced to only look up! It helps us to fix our eyes on Jesus! But if we continue to look around and walk around looking at everyone else’s lives and circumstances –whether they are better or worse – we fail to just focus on Christ because we are so consumed with worrying what everyone else is or isn’t going through.

It makes me think of a tree I noticed recently here in the city. It is set on the very edge of a curb, and its roots nearly reach out to the road. The tree caught my attention because its so evenly proportioned, with a strong, tall, steady trunk, and near the top there are two very thick branches that evenly reach out and gradually reach up, almost looking like a person holding their hands up in worship. There are many trees on this particular road all along the edge, but this one stands out to me. BUT, it will probably only stand out in winter. Since the leaves have died and fallen, and while the weather is harsh. In spring and summer as it blossoms, you will probably notice it just as any other tree with leaves all over it, with the strong trunk and roots fading into the background. I want to sink my roots deep into Jesus and His love. I want to sink deep, and reach my hands up in worship through even the harshest of seasons. I want to open my hands and allow Him to stretch and grow, and lead me through the hard season, knowing it will bring character, grow my faith, and make me more like him, so I can then begin to produce beautiful leaves and fruit for His purpose.

ALSO – What if we all had the attitude of suffering together? That we took on each other’s burdens? That we wept with one another. Isn’t that what the church is all about? I have come to the conclusion that at least in our American culture, suffering is to be avoided at all costs. And if there does happen to be suffering that comes about, it should be dealt with quickly and stuffed away, doing anything we can to find joy again. We run from suffering, do we not? Whether it is physical suffering or emotional, we are quick to find a fix either through prescription medication or self-medication which often involves alcohol, drugs, or even excessive shopping, etc. I think that everyone probably has their own method of escape when running from suffering, and often it is something not so obvious to other people. Perhaps they develop a drinking problem OR perhaps they binge on Netflix reruns for hours on end to escape the pain. Our brains are so complex, and we forget that sometimes we can even deceive ourselves falling into a trap of self-fulfillment for the sake of easing a pain. When maybe what we need to do is go sit in that pain for a while, talk to someone about it, pray through it, and just cry.

In some cultures, family members will mourn a year or more for the loss of a family member. They will wear black every day for up to a year or more, while they remember and mourn the loss of a loved one. This is something that has made me think. Because, as an American I think my first response is that sounds so morbid and depressing. You are spending a whole year changing what you wear and thinking about the death of someone?! And yet when I think of how we mourn losses here in America – you wear black just to a funeral, people bring you food for a couple of weeks, and then generally you are expected to move on with your life and pick up where you left off. After that last frozen lasagna and pound cake is dropped at your door with a hug, you are expected to somehow pick up the pieces and keep living. It is probably not often someone will ask you directly after those first few weeks how you are doing since your loss, or what they could do to help you. Or even just coming for a visit to listen to you and cry with you. Because lets be honest- that would just be really awkward and uncomfortable. And we wouldn’t want to impose by asking such a direct question of how you are doing with your loss because that seems way too personal. Or is it?! IS IT?!?!?! My word. If more people would just be bold enough to feel uncomfortable for the 3 seconds it takes to ask someone how they are doing for real, then let Jesus do the rest! I know that if someone genuinely asked me how I was doing, or how Rylie was doing during a rough season, and how they could pray for me that I would give them a very honest answer with perhaps a bit of an ugly cry because of the small amount of release and healing it would give me just to blather the honest truth with permission. And yes, I may be an introvert but I do have my blathering moments…

Maybe in our most difficult, trying moments if we began to practice looking up first, and sink into that emotion, we may be able to have an entirely different experience and perspective than if we had just thought about all the ways it could be worse. Feeling those intense emotions build character and endurance, and bring us closer to Jesus. Ironically, this literal season of winter has been especially challenging for me here in Cleveland because of the lack of sun. As Spring (hopefully!!…) approaches soon, and the sun becomes a more common occurrence in these parts, it is a reminder that even in the harshest of seasons, I can find Jesus. And even on the most difficult days I can say: At least I have Jesus!

Colossians 3:1-2 “If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.”