Fewer statements cause me more grief than when people say: “I don’t know what to say.” I have heard it multiple times either directly to me or have known people to say it in reference to me. I’ve concluded there are generally two reasons this statement is made: Apathy or fear. One or the other, or both. Apathy, in that they simply have no interest in my life circumstance and it is not their problem anyway, and nothing they say could possibly change anything so why bother? Fear, in that if they “say the wrong thing” or “don’t say the right thing” they may offend me and/or present an even more uncomfortable circumstance than the already existing one in my life and so they conclude that saying nothing and avoiding the situation entirely is much better than possibly saying the wrong thing.
When your response to someone is that you do not know what to say, that in itself actually communicates more than any amount of words ever could.
When did speaking, talking, or saying the things become the only way we communicate with each other?
I have learned a lot about communication in the last decade. My daughter has had speech therapy every week of her life for over 10 years. I can school you on everything from oral motor exercises (have you heard of such a thing?) to computers that track your eyes for those who have challenges with their mouth and hands when communicating. There are low tech devices and books that require the help of another person to flip through when helping another communicate their thoughts, and there are a variety of high tech communication devices to accommodate a variety of abilities (or disabilities as many would say). I have learned in the last 15 years of my daughter’s life that she has so much to say, and while she does not always have the physical ability to get her mouth to cooperate, she has found her own unique ways to communicate her wants and needs and general conversation because she craves human connection. In fact, she has recently preferred using a flip book to help her practice communication in therapy which requires the help of a person to flip through the book. She is preferring this over using her $15,000 high tech computer that will track her eyes to help her communicate and I have concluded that one of the main reasons she prefers the book is simply because it involves more interaction with another person! She loves people! When we are at home and having a difficult time understanding her words, she will often strain to move her eyes and head to the direction of something she is talking about. And occasionally extreme circumstances, if she is feeling fearful or pain and is unable to articulate, she will just begin to scream and cry and stiffen her body as a defense because she has no other way to tell us in that moment what is hurting or frightening her. She finds a way to communicate with or without her words, but even with her limited physical and cognitive ability, even she realizes there is more than one way to communicate!
When we moved to Cleveland 5 years ago, we instantly became aware at the number of refugees residing here and because of some amazing relationships we had with some locals when we first moved here, we were able to become well educated on refugees and their stories. We were able to make connections with some families, many of whom did not speak much English. I found myself drawn in and longing to spend more time with these families as there is a kind of raw humanity that seems to uniquely exist within someone who is a refugee. (Refugee: a person who has been forced to leave their country in order to escape war, persecution, or natural disaster) It is a quiet strength and a passionate, determined spirit like I have never seen. And never have I felt more welcomed in a home, than that of a refugee. I feel like we have so much to learn from those who have lived through the experiences that have now given them this “refugee” label. The thing about those who have found themselves under this label is that I have walked into countless homes and across the board – no matter what country they are originally from- they never cease to amaze me in their hospitality counterbalanced with a hunger, for human interaction and connection. I have sat in a house with a family for hours, without either of us being able to communicate in a common language other than basically greeting each other, and when I begin to head towards the door they look at me in such surprise and at times distress because I have to leave. You see because even though we could not communicate verbally, we used body language and pointing and a little Google translate to get by. At the end of the day, we called each other friend in our own native language, even though we couldn’t say the word, our hearts knew it, and when we would see each other again it is with the same warm, familiar feeling you have when you see any of your native language speaking friends.
You see, because words are not the binder of all things – love is. We all crave human interaction and love.
Maybe you have noticed that Jesus was not a very wordy man in the Bible. He was pretty direct and concise whenever he spoke. And yet it wasn’t always his words that spoke the loudest. One of my favorite passages of scripture is in John 11 when Lazarus dies. No, I do not love that Lazarus dies but I do love Jesus’ raw, human reaction to his death. Actually, I feel like when I read it that it is more of a reaction to Mary in her grief. Jesus had already known for a bit that Lazarus was dead long before he ever got to his tomb. However, what broke him emotionally wasn’t until after he “saw her weeping.” Then it says ‘Jesus wept.’ It did not say that Jesus proceeded to tell her that He was good, and all things will work together, or give her a mountaintop sermon on life and death. He actually did not say much of anything. He wept. I love this example because it is Jesus showing us how we can be compassionate with one another without having to know the ‘right thing to say.’ Because sometimes I think saying something isn’t the language we should be speaking at all. Because sometimes saying nothing is more powerful than saying anything at all in a deeply empathetic way. Sometimes just being present means more than any well articulated amount of words could ever mean. Just like Jesus was not too prideful to sit with them in their emotion and feel what they were feeling in that moment. He was simply present. And he wept and felt with them.
God created us as complex beings with multiple ways to communicate. And while verbally will always be the most common, it is most certainly not the only way we can communicate love to each other. If you have ever heard of the book ‘Love Languages’ you know that there are five main ways we communicate love to other people. (words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and receiving gifts) Only one of those actually requires words!
I’ve read a couple of books by Bob Goff lately and it is easily one of the most quotable books I have ever read. In fact I could probably have just posted this blog post and in place of all of my own words I could have said “see Bob Goff book.” Because I feel like he totally gets it. One of his books titled Love Does pretty much sums it up don’t you think? If he thought that saying things was the most important thing we could do then I imagine his book would be titled Love Says. Of course many of our interactions with people could and should be words, but I think Bob would agree with me when I say not knowing what to say is not an excuse to withhold love or interaction with other people.
“That’s one of those things about love. It always assumes it can find a way to express itself.” – Bob Goff, Love Does
Love sits. Love waits. Love gives. Love sees. Love weeps. Love smiles. Love hugs. Love is present. Love doesn’t always know what to say, but love does.
“I learned that faith isn’t about knowing all of the right stuff or obeying a list of rules. It’s something more, something more costly because it being present and making a sacrifice. Perhaps that’s why Jesus is sometimes called Immanuel – “God with us.” I think that’s what God had in mind, for Jesus to be present, to just be with us. It’s also what He has in mind for us when it comes to other people.” – Bob Goff, Love Does
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